In a world where downsizing has become as fashionable as those ridiculous tiny sunglasses everyone seems to be wearing, Mercedes-AMG shocked us all by replacing the thunderous V8 in the E63 with a mere six-cylinder engine in the new E53. It felt like replacing Pavarotti with Ed Sheeran – technically still a singer, but not quite the same, is it? But before you could finish mourning the loss of those two extra cylinders, the power-crazed lunatics at Brabus have swooped in to remind us that size isn't everything. They've taken Mercedes' new inline-six hybrid powertrain and twisted it until the horses came screaming out, resulting in a family wagon that produces a frankly ridiculous 691 horsepower. That's more than the outgoing V8-powered E63, from fewer cylinders, and with the environmental smugness of a hybrid badge on the boot. It's like finding out your accountant moonlights as a cage fighter. The Numbers Game: How Six Cylinders Beat Eight The stock E53 is already a potent machine. Its turbocharged 3.0-liter inline-six produces 449 horsepower on its own, with Mercedes' hybrid system adding another 128 for a combined output of 577 horses. That's plenty for most normal humans who just want to terrify their children on the school run. But Brabus doesn't cater to normal humans. Their clients are the sort of people who look at a near-600 horsepower executive car and think, "Yes, but could it go faster?" The answer, as always from Brabus, is a resounding yes. Their PowerXtra B53 700 Performance control unit – which sounds like something you'd find in a nuclear submarine – boosts the combustion engine's output to 557 horsepower, an increase of 108. Torque jumps from 413 to 487 pound-feet, which is enough to rearrange your internal organs if you accelerate too enthusiastically after lunch. Interestingly, Brabus has left the hybrid side of the powertrain completely untouched. The electric motor still contributes its original 163 horsepower and 354 pound-feet of torque, bringing the total system output to a faintly absurd 691 horsepower and 627 pound-feet. That's supercar territory from what is, essentially, a family estate car. The performance gains aren't as dramatic as the numbers might suggest, with the 0-62 mph time dropping from 3.8 seconds to 3.6. That's just two-tenths of a second – or about the time it takes to blink – for what is likely a significant financial investment. But outright acceleration isn't really the point here. It's about having more power than your neighbor, and the satisfaction of knowing that under your right foot lurks enough horsepower to light up a small village. The Full Brabus Treatment: More Than Just Power As with any Brabus creation, the tuning package extends far beyond just making the engine more powerful. They've also addressed the styling, though "addressed" is perhaps too mild a term. "Assaulted" might be more accurate. Up front, there's a new spoiler that supposedly reduces lift at the front axle, though at the speeds most owners will travel, the main lift reduction will be from their wallet. Carbon trim in both matte and gloss finishes adorns various parts of the bodywork, because nothing says "I have money" quite like visible carbon fiber. At the rear, Brabus has fitted a new diffuser to accommodate four 3.5-inch black tailpipes – because the stock exhaust clearly wasn't doing a good enough job of announcing your arrival from three streets away. There's also an optional rear spoiler that supposedly increases downforce at higher speeds, though I suspect its main function is to increase envious glances at lower speeds. The wheels are, of course, enormous. Brabus offers five different "Platinum Edition" designs, all of which look like they'd be an absolute nightmare to clean and would crumble at the first sight of a pothole. But they do look spectacular, especially when paired with the inevitable lowered suspension that ensures you'll feel every pebble in the road surface as if it were a speed bump. Inside, it's the usual Brabus fare – stainless steel door sills that will scuff within a week, pedals in either carbon or aluminum that make no difference to how the car drives but look fancy, and bespoke upholstery options that probably cost more than most people's entire cars. The aftermarket specialist can create virtually any interior style with various colors, materials, and patterns, none of which will come cheap. What's most remarkable about this package is the timing. Mercedes only unveiled the new E53 last month, yet Brabus already has a comprehensive tuning solution ready to go. It's almost as if Mercedes sends them the cars beforehand and says, "Have at it, chaps." By the time the E53 actually goes on sale in the US later this year, Brabus will probably have a 1,000-horsepower version ready. And I wouldn't bet against them offering a twin-turbo V8 conversion shortly after that, just to prove they can. For those who simply must have a wagon but can't bear the thought of "only" having six cylinders, this Brabus creation offers a compelling solution. Yes, it's likely to be horrifically expensive. Yes, the warranty situation will be complicated at best. And yes, you'll probably spend more time explaining what it is to confused onlookers than actually driving it. But none of that matters when you've got nearly 700 horsepower under your right foot in a car that can still accommodate the dog, the kids, and a month's worth of shopping. It's utterly, gloriously unnecessary – and all the better for it.
